Sex, love and relationships; how to make it work.

Dear River,

I had the most amazing childhood with a lot of love, but for some reason I always crave love, someone to care about me, and be there when I need them. I don't know why but I can make men fall in love with me, which makes me feel good, but I can never seem to love them back even if they are everything I have ever wanted. Then when we have sex, and even if I know they like me, I don't want to loose them so I will frequently offer it or comply to their wants because I know it will keep them around. This is so not me, and I feel like I have become an awful person. Is there something wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you. We are all who we are and our behavior can be very complicated sometimes.

No matter how happy a childhood things can get mixed up in our heads and without guidance we begin to form habits that last a lifetime. We repeat the same relationship dynamic over and over hoping the next time we will get it right but until we address the underlying issues we are bound to keep doing the same behavior.

The best advice I can offer you is to find a therapist or counselor that you feel best understands your issues. This is not a judgment on your behavior or mental state it is just a great way to have balance in your life. I still see a therapist twice a month and it helps me to have a professional's insight that is not influenced by friendship, personal history or belief system. It took me a few tries to find someone who I felt "got me". It wasn't that I was looking for someone to say what I wanted to hear, I needed a person who made me feel comfortable and was thoughtful in what they had to say.

I feel very lucky to have this person in my life. I always say when we are up in our heads alone we are in a bad neighborhood and bound to get in trouble.  Besides some of the damaging behavior we might get involved with, we then will beat ourselves up over it as well. You don’t deserve to be beaten up by anyone and we are all able to develop a lifestyle and way of relating to others that brings happiness and joy.

We are taught math, writing, reading, but for many of us, it is healthy life skills in interpersonal relationships that we don’t always learn. We are expected to figure it out. That is fine but when we reach a point of frustration and despair, it is easy to get lost that is when a good teacher can guide us.

You are a good person who needs help untangling some of your thoughts and actions. This process takes time and I can’t do it in an email but I hope that this direction can help you onto a path of freedom from the behavior that is making you unhappy.

Best wishes,

River

The other day I was speaking to a friend and told her I was answering question on sex and she said, I wish you could answer my son's questions on sex." I asked her old he was and she said, " Five, do you think that is too early?"

I said no, it needs to be age appropriate but I think as soon as children ask questions they should get the straight forward answers. no stork, or wee wee. It's about correct anatomy.

From all the questions I get from college age students I really think if we started earlier, there would be better communication in the family about sex, both the kids and the parents would become better educated and have a healthier outlook on sexuality. It can greatly reduce anxiety about sex and false information. (As long as the parents aren't giving false information),

I am stunned at how much shame is attached with sex education. One of the things I do in my college forums is ask the students to tell us what their parents told them about sex. From masturbation to intercourse so many are  told just don't do it or all the consequences of doing it or they say nothing at all. My mother said, "Don't ever let the boys touch your breasts." This has not been helpful, ever.  At 12 I still did not understand that a penis could go into a vagina.

I have decided I am going to create a program where parents can learn how to talk to their kids, get comfortable around their own sexuality and understand what is appropriate at what age and what is appropriate for their individual child. I have a lot of ideas on how I am going to do this and will keep you posted.

if you are interested in this kind of program, let me know. Would you go to your local middle school or hospital if this kind of program was offered?  Would you listen online to a podcast? Download an e-book? What are your questions about talking to your children about sex? Any input is appreciated!

In the next post I will give an outline of what a program for talking to 5-8 year old children would look like.

Thanks!

River