I am asked many questions about relationships. I believe that all of us struggle with issues about our relationships in some form or another. So here are some of the questions and answers on the subject. 

My girlfriend is very modest and doesn't have the confidence to show me her breasts and it sometimes gets to me. She keeps her bra on during sex and every time I reach for the clasp, she pushes my hand away or tells me not to undo it. It's not simply that I want to see my girlfriend’s boobs. What bothers me is that even though she loves me and trusts me, she's still not one hundred percent comfortable around me. I feel that I've given her no reason to be uncomfortable and everyday I tell her that I think she's perfect in every way. And it's the truth. To me she's the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. I guess the reason I'm telling you all of this is because I want to know how I can make my love more comfortable. Especially, around me. Her modesty is one of the reasons that I fell in love with her, but at some point I'd like her bra to come off with the rest of our clothes when we make love.

 Whether it is shame from a past incident, the way she was bought up, something someone said to her that she really took to heart. Sometimes body image problems are related to an eating disorder. here are some things you can try to remedy the situation. 

Take the pressure off. For whatever reason she does not want to take her clothes off, let it be. Don’t try to take her clothes off, undo her bra, don't say anything about it. Just keep loving and affirming her the way you have been. This is something she will have to do in her own time and the more pressure she feels, the less likely she will get any more comfortable with being naked in front of you.

What you can do is start a conversation. Share with her some things that you might have gone through that you would not tell anyone or ever told anyone. But don't then expect her to do the same. You want to create an atmosphere of safety for her to open up on her own. If you stay together for a while and you feel you are not making progress, you might consider seeing a couple’s counselor. This is a safe way to talk about things that frighten us or make us feel ashamed.  Sex tends to bring these feelings up because when we are with someone and naked we feel so vulnerable. But it might not have anything to do with sex and/or her body. Give it time.

It is extremely difficult for me to get close to a girl; I have natural feelings of distrust when I meet most girls, and when they express interest in me I think in my head that they just want me because I'm good-looking and to fuck...and it makes me feel used, like nobody cares to get to know me or establish a connection, it's just for pleasure and then move on. I used to love situations like this (casual sex was cool and fun), but now I just feel like shit. And when I do start to establish something with a girl, I end up getting scared and pulling back and even sometimes sabotaging the relationship. I want to get close to someone, I just don't know how.

Over our lifetime we become hardwired when it comes to relationships. We are programmed to repeat behavior and dynamics over and over again seeking the familiar, whether it’s healthy or not.  Until we recognize what is going on and make changes in how we think this will continue to happen over and over again.

It takes four months of consistent behavioral change to build new neural passages into the brain. What this means is it takes vigilance to change patterns and behaviors. You already recognize the problem, which is great. To better understand why you pull away the best thing to do is an inventory. Look through past relationships and try to only look at your part in it. That includes the kind of partners you pick. Then go deeper and look at the relationships you have with other woman in your life. Also examine the messages you have gotten from the men in your life. Write it all down. The more you know, the more you will be able to understand the fear and just sit with it instead of sabotaging the situation.

When you feel you are going into flight mode. Stop. Be in the moment. Breath. Whatever choices you make, nothing is written in stone. Explore your fear by facing it. If the person you are interested in sees that you are being present, that might even frighten her and they might pull away, this is okay. The most significant thing here is you are breaking a pattern. If you want a loving, committed relationship the most important advice I can give you is stay in the moment. When you feel your past (bad relationships, poor advice, pain, hurt) come creeping in, just breath and bring yourself back to the moment, observe it and let it go.

The same thing goes for when you start to float into the future and ask those questions- "Is this the one? Do I really want to be in this relationship? What if there is someone better?  Will I get hurt?  Just stop. Breath. Enjoy the time you have with this person. This is how you will get to know them and through this experience of being present all your questions will be answered about the relationship.

When you are present you can really experience intimacy and this is what brings us freedom from the preprogrammed behaviors that have us repeating the same painful experiences again and again. This might seem like a lot of work but there is no easy way to change. It might be a good idea to work with a counselor or look into meditation to help with this process.